||[27 Apr 2010|06:21pm]
To My Ex Lover,
It has been over 2 months since I have seen your face or heard your voice, & I am just barely realizing that you & I will never again have a conversation. Never again will I feel your touch. & I don't ache for you at all... Not the real you, at least. To say I don't ache at all would be a complete lie. I admit, at times, my heart aches for the comfort of delusion you provided, because that is really what you were... a fucking delusion that I loved. You were like a beautiful hallucination. At times I long for that bliss again, despite the sheer nonsensicality of it all. But it was bliss just the same. Bliss need not be "valid". That's one of the things I learned from you.
I was [usually] aware that you were merely a delusion, but I didn't give a fuck. I was just living for the thrill of the moment, not giving a thought to the painful consequences of reality. Since you have been gone, I have had to seek that crazy bliss all on my own. It is not quite the same. But it gets me through... like a swallow of water in a desert. Not enough to truly hydrate, but enough to sustain life... for now.
Sometimes, at night, I remember the warmth of your embrace & it helps me sleep. But it is not really "you" I am thinking of anymore... Rather, it is an illusion, a mere shadow of who you used to be that I dream of in the darkness now. I don't think of your face, your voice, or anything about "you". That would hurt... Rather, it is more like a phantom I dream of now. I dream of the phantom's embrace, whose aura is scented vaguely like your own, & am comforted just enough to last another night.
What drew me to you in the 1st place was your insanity. Because I saw you as a "good crazy". You know, the type of person who lives for the moment. The type of person who could be hanging off a cliff & be laughing hysterically at the same time. I loved how you lived on the edge. You were always ready to die... & die happily you would have. You inspired me to run out into that darkness, into the unknown. Your way of leaving everything behind inspired me. How many of your life stories were true & how many were fictionalized, I will never know. But your way of living in the moment & on the edge inspired me so fucking much... so much that I finally gathered the courage to leave you.
No one can truly have that "good crazy" side without also having a bit of the old "bad crazy" as well. Fortunately, I channel my bad crazy side through music, movement, & momentum. But the bad side of your insanity was not just bad, it was fucking terrible. Your rage was destructive, mindless, & all-consuming at times. I guess after having your brains blasted to Hell in Iraq, & having had an alcoholic of a father, & a weak broken pitiful mess of a mother, you felt you had a right. Your story is a pathetic cliche, but tragic all the same. I tried to be there for you. But long before you met me, you were determined to fail.
I think you resented me for trying to instill the courage to dream in you. You did not see the purpose. But I did... I believed in you. Maybe because I was crazy too. But still, I genuinely believed in you, & whether you know it or not, I think you resented me for believing in you, loving you, & for trying to embark us on a more promising path.
After I left you, I spent many days & nights along the shore. Absorbing the quiet roar of the ocean, as the glowing moon followed me no matter where I walked. I knew somewhere out there, you were also gazing at that moon, because you were never one to resist lunacy. So from now on, whenever I gaze at the full moon, I will know that you are watching me as well, from somewhere behind that silver orb.
As much as I miss the lunacy of the bliss & the beautiful delusions we shared, I DON'T MISS the way you screamed at me. The way you took the pain of your entire life out on me. The way you blamed the failure of your dreams on me. I DON'T MISS the way you forever unburdened your childhood pain & Full-Metal-Jacket-war-stories onto me, never realizing that your pain became my pain. & I carried those burdens for you because I loved you. But trying to help you carry those burdens just fucked me over. & I don't miss being a slave to your neurosis.
I DON'T MISS the way you stared angry at me sometimes, as if the sight of me made you sick. I don't miss your cracked up family! I DON'T MISS your accusing text messages & phone calls in the dead of night, where you ranted in all capital letters about how I HAVE KILLED YOUR HEART & SOUL. I don't miss your childish violence -- the lame attempts of an impotent man to prove himself virile. I don't miss your fucking apologies, your tears of sorrow & remorse, all in selfish effort. I don't miss your constant requests for head... because I don't suck cock for a guy who treats me like shit. I don't miss the way you weakened me. The way you depleted my self-esteem until I truly believed you were the best I could do.
The fact that I actually recognized the female cop the last time the neighbors called the police on you was a blatant sign that I have a problem. Because it seems I kept trying to indirectly commit suicide through relationships. The fact that I am probably in a police file somewhere as being the victim of numerous domestic disputes does not do me proud. It fills me with shame.
I remember the last day I spent with you. You were in the other room, breaking down the doors, screaming about how I was such an evil bitch. I don't why, because I always tried to treat you well. I was faithful. I gave you foot massages. Well, that last day, I was crying on the floor. Bashing my head in. I was dying. As I was crying on the floor, I thought to myself, "I can either stay here & die because of him. Or I can leave. & If I die, at least it will because of me..." & Somehow I mustered the strength to stand, to look you in the eye & tell you I hated you, & that I wasn't coming back. Somehow [I still don't fucking know] I managed to leave, & to keep on going.
I RELEASE YOU. Run wild, run free... It has taken me long enough to be able to do this... But I release you. I release you so you can no longer hold power over me. I release you so you can be free. I release you so I can be free. I will allow myself to cry, to feel, to remember... But I release you from my desire, my idealism. I will never know you again.
I will remember you both well & badly. I will remember you accurately, no matter how much it hurts. You have forever changed me. You have made me more free to live in the moment. You have made me more free to live on the edge. In fact, I don't even feel right unless I am on the edge. You have made me dangerous & impulsive & crazy & beautiful all at once. You have made my soul older & sadder. I will never fear Death again.
I cannot change the past. You left permanent scars on me. So for that, I will extract every ounce of "good crazy" I fucking can from the experience, & smile every time I remember the pain. You have wholly fucked me over. I know I must have done the same to you.
& so, ex lover, this is my last goodbye to you, as I kiss your shadow good night...