ziggyzest (ziggyzest) wrote in lostloveletters,

Dear Rembrandt

Oh how your name alone makes shivers go up and down my spine. I'm sorry. I'm sorry we found each other & then lost each other the way we did. I know we were meant to be, if you remembered meeting me at my Poetry Anthology launch back in 2010, all those years later. Just one meeting yet you said you still remembered me. How often does that happen? I'm a hopeless romantic. We had so much in common, our poetry oh our poetry 7 our passion for life.  I'm sorry that when I wrote to you I was not myself, later to be chucked into hospitals & diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic all against my will. I'm sorry I threw myself at you with all those assumptions about your person & character that irritated you so & that came from a lovestruck stranger. I'm sorry I let myself down by losing your respect as an author for threatening to write a book about my crazy experiences & my love for you when we'd only known each other for a moment & claiming, when it was clear you were not responding to my love for you that I just wanted to entice you to talk to me so I could write a fiction about a woman's messed up experiences & a poet's love for another poet. You took offense at this & blocked me on facebook, I don't blame you. All I wanted was us. To be us. Like Sylvia Plath & Ted hughes. In hospital they called me erotomanic simply because I so fervently believed that you could love me too, if you only just knew me. That broke my heart, that cold, medical cynicism. To be medicalized is the worst thing in the world. I saw heaven because of you. The streets sang, each person's face shone with love & light , everyone was going to lead me to you. I saw Angel light. I thought my life was in danger & that people were out to kill me simply because they were jealous of our love. I saw love shining from each & every single line that you wrote & hoped that it was meant for me. I know we could have been something amazing together. I wanted to marry you. I read all your twitter & facebook posts, as well as your poetry & all I could see was this incredibly beautiful, amazing human being shining back at me, like I'd never seen before. Now I'm on medication that numbs my emotions & I can't even feel sexual desire & due to ending up in hospital so many times & refusing medication I'm one step away from being put on a community treatment order ( where you have to live in a certain place all your life & the police can come after you & throw you into hospital if you refuse medication) & I've lost my visa rights to the US, Australia, Japan, China & New Zealand yet all I can think about despite all of this is still you, only you. You're the best poet, man, human being I have ever met & that will never change. I will always love you. I will always wish something had happened between us, that we could have built a life together. And one of these days I will finish that book about you & me & hospital & all my crazy thoughts back then & it will be the saddest, best love song in the world. And who knows maybe one day you will read it or hear of it, or your friends will ( as I know some of them) & they will pass it on to you... & maybe you'll change your opinion about me & maybe my epitah will be your name insribed underneath mine with the lines ' she loved him'... I keep going because of you, I live, write & breathe because of you. Why do you have to be so far away, all the way up in Yorkshire while I'm stuck in Bristol. Why is it that the last time you came down here I saw you but did not get to speak to you, to brave you blanking me, maybe. I hope whoever finds you & whomever you find brings you happiness, if we can't be together. My Love forever, Olga
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