elishamparker (elishamparker) wrote in lostloveletters,

To Tim...I need help...

Dear Tim,

I remember the first time I met you. You were so arrogant, yet, there was just that something about you that made me want you to be my best friend. Then you moved in next door. Honestly, I was so mad when I realized the boy that I watched from across the room was the same one whose father invited me over for barbecue. I couldn't believe it the first time you talked to me. You were such a jerk. All I did was ask if you were my neighbor. I didn't deserve your attitude. The way you looked at me...I was scared. I was angry...I was in love. I tried so hard to hate you. I tried with every ounce of my being yet there was something that pulled me in.

You broke up with her. Bree. My best friend. She knew you were my neighbor. She knew you wouldn't talk to her about the relationship so she talked me into talking to you for her. I didn't want to. It must seem ridiculous now but I wanted nothing more than to tell her she deserved better than you. But you were to tempting. The opportunity to talk to you on a serious non-hate based level-...I couldn't pass it up.

She should have known better. I should have known better. All the stories she told me about how horrible you were, it didn't matter. In my mind, you were perfect. Sexy, funny, sweet, not smarter than me yet not dumb...perfect. I couldn't tell you though.

We became friends. It was just to easy. Bree would tell me to talk only about her to you but...we never talked about her. At first, but once you asked me to talk about anything else, she was no longer a topic. We talked about you...we talked about me but never us. We were friends...that was it, right? But you just never noticed when you looked into my eyes that the sparkle you loved so much was because you were standing beside me.

She was my best friend. You made me lose her.

Do you remembre the day you asked me to the dance? It was just a little dance! A stupid, little dance which ruined my friendship with her. You asked me. You told me you would ask her and you didn't. I loved you, I couldn't say no. You knew I wouldn't refuse. But the very second Bree found out, I wished that I had. She cried, told me she hated me. Asked how I could do that to her. I didn't understand. I didn't do anything. You said we were going as friends. You said she would understand...


She was my BEST FRIEND!

You were just a guy. That's what I told her. That's what I told myself when she said that the only way she and I could be friends was if I told you I didn't want to go to the dance with you. I couldn't tell you why. You wouldn't understand. I did it. I told you I didn't like you in that way and that we should just go with other people. It broke my heart to see you so distraught, but I did it because I didn't want to lose Bree.

I went with Kyle. Remember him? He was nothing like you in any way and that's what made me go with him. He had always been a friend but, maybe, he could have been something more. And for that one night, he was. But the very next day, it was you and me all over again. You wouldn't let me go and I couldn't let you go. Bree slowly began to stop talking to me because you prefered not talking to her.

Time passed and I tried not to be with you. I figured if I dated everyone else, I would find someone who would make me forget about you. It didn't work. Then I asked you to go with me to the concert. It was my favorite band and you hated them but you went because I begged...we went together, but just as friends right? When we got there, we saw your old girlfriend, Amy. I didn't even know her yet, I could tell that she had been in love with you once. The way she smiled at you was enough to tell me. Do you think she loved you like I did? Like I do?

The same night, you got me an autograph from the best lead singer in the world and I told you that you were perfect. I was so happy. I didn't think about what I was saying. I just blurted it out because I was excited. You looked at me, your eyes were completely serious. The words I had just said were ringing in my ears. What was I thinking?

"You say that I'm the perfect friend...well...would you let me show you that I can be the perfect boyfriend?"

I couldn't believe it. Those words escaped from your lips so seriously. So calmly. But YOU were nervous! Your palms were sweaty, the corners of your mouth quivering...how could I say no?

"You have no idea how long I have waited to hear you ask me that Tim but my dad wouldn't let me..."

How could I say that? The words flowed thick like syrup. The next night we were together again. Under the bleachers at a football game. You held my hands in yours. It felt so right when we were alone. And when Jessica got flirty-...I didn't mean to get so jealous. But  I was. I was possessive and I wanted you all to myself. And that night, it was official as we kissed goodbye as the rain began to drizzle lightly from  the sky.

But you wouldn't let it last. Always with your selfish concerns. You broke up with me. Why? I didn't care but you told me anyway. You said you loved me. You said that  was to important. You said that you were a screwup and you couldn't stand to ruin something as special as we had.


No I don't. I wish I did but i just don't. You finally let me move on, let me find someone to fall for almost as hard and then you came back. You said that you couldn't take being without me anymore and then we were together at that moment. But you made me cheat. You knew I couldn't say no to you so you took advantage of it. I loved him...not as much as I love you but I did love him and you couldn't stand to see me happy.  Again and again it happened. Each guy you took me from, then left me again. You always made me look like the bad guy for cheating. But guess what? NO MORE! You told me more than I needed to know the other night.

You were high.

Too high for your own good when you told me all about the girl you had been dating for the last nine months. For the last nine months of you and me hooking up, you had another girl on the side. YOU CHEATED. Does she know? Well? Does she know that every word you said to her was the same as the ones you were telling me when you got off the phone at night? Does she know that when you accidentally called her by my name, it was because I was lying next to you? Does she know that you love me the SAME WAY you love her??

Does she know about the things you have put me through?

You use people. It's what you do. You take them when they are at their weakest point and just use them and use them until they are nothing anymore. You weren't there for me when I lost Bree. You weren't there for me when my grandfather died. You weren't there for me when I realized that I hated everything about myself...but I was always there for you each and every time you wanted some company to lie beside at night. Someone to love when it was convenient for you. I can't believe that I love you still.

I do. I love you more than life.

You have left me numb. I can't feel it when you hurt me anymore because I know that you can't help yourself. If you love her then you love her but I know you don't. You just don't want to deal with the thoguth that you still love me because each time you try, you realized that what we had will never be the same. You ruined a good thing. I still love you. I bet Terri loves you too. Would she still love you if she knew about me? Would she still love you if she knew about all the pain you have put me through? Would she still love you if she was in my position?

No...probably not...

Love Always and Forever,

I need help. I love him. His name is Tim and he has hurt me so much that I can't even stand to see him. I hate myself because he doesn't want to be with me. He keeps wanting to hook up, knowing it hurts me. Yet I always let him. What should I do? I need to figure out whether or not I should still stay with him. I love him but he hurts me so much.  Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance...

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